allesnichtgut

Friends?...

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 02:52:21 GMT

I hate the thought that I really have no use for my "friends". I mean, it's high school. We never really talk about anything important, and any time I let on how I might REALLY feel about something, they just get annoyed.
I mean, yeah I can understand thinking maybe I can be annoying at times, but she thinks things that aren't true. I can even try and explain why something might upset me, but... its like she doesn't WANT to hear it, and I'm just being a whiny brat.
No, I don't care about being told my art needs work - I don't care about it, I'm just trying to pass now. It's the fact that she's treating me like I can't HANDLE being told how to make it any better, like I'm overly emotional or something.
Now really, this from the woman who was surprised I ever smiled? Whatever.
I just don't like being doubted to the point that she just assumes I don't do things the way I'm supposed to.
But of course, my friend just keeps insisting I'm "pissed because I got told it wasn't amazing". Nothing I do in that class will ever BE amazing, nor do I care if it is. I'm just trying to PASS. I'm really getting to the point that I don't want anything to do with art after this.

But really, she just WILL NOT LISTEN. And even with my other "friends", I can't talk about ANYTHING really if it's not within our usual common interests. Simple things like "Wow, dreads are pretty kickass" just gets me a funny look. So of course, I can't actually talk about anything of CONSEQUENCE. It's just... ugh. Unless it's talking about someone else, but then still, it's just like... shit. I don't know.

I don't know why I bother. It's not really a BENEFIT, and if I say anything they won't discuss, I just feel dumb.

Hmm... whatever. I mean, I only have a few months left here, and I barely know these people. I'm just absolutely SICK of my one friend and her ridiculous thing about "Pinoy pride" or whatever. I mean, yeah sure, do what you want, but does EVERY conversation with our other friend have to be about "how we pinoy do it"? I'm just left smiling, nodding, not really caring, and getting slightly annoyed. Do THEY have anything else in common other than swapping stories about "I told them I was Chinese, and they BELIEVED it"?
Fuck. High. School.
Fuck stupid friends. I mean, I'd love to say I wish I had my old friends from back home, but that would be worse - they know TOO much about me, and generally hate me as a result. Making amends hasn't really worked, so I really wish I could just have someone I could have a REAL discussion with. About ANYTHING.
Which, I mean, I DO, but being halfway around the world doesn't really do much good sometimes.

It sucks...

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 02:36:38 GMT

...when your confidante suddenly feels like your school counselor, or just the total.... opposite of what you remember. Like she doesn't understand anymore.

I feel sick...

Going places....

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 20:43:12 GMT

I was just now thinking about going outside and walking, hoping maybe I could clear my head instead of staying here, with pretty much nothing to do except absorb myself into this damn computer or the television -- I can't bring myself to sit down and just DO something, because there's still some form of communication within my reach.
I can't stand the idea of moving somewhere without a destination in mind. It feels like an absolute waste of time, but isn't that what I'm doing here anyway? And now I start to think some more. I don't like that.
I figure I'll call my friend later today and plan something tomorrow - it'll take me at least an hour to walk to her house, but that's alright as long as I know I'm actually GOING somewhere. Then it'll be another hour - probably more, 'cause of these damn hills - to get back here, but I really want to hang out with someone. Even if I can't talk about everything, it's still helps just being around someone I don't hate.
And besides, the space between our houses is the best time to talk about things anyway, because we're always moving around, and there's far less of a chance that my demon sibling- will overhear anything we say. I like having an opinion, but I don't like that demonchild knowing my opinion. Things are always better when they're kept to myself.
I want to go somewhere, but there isn't anywhere to go. There's NOTHING in this town. Which is sad - this place is about ten times bigger than where we moved from, so you'd expect there'd be SOMETHING to do.